Sex
In relationships, sex means different things to different people. When most talk about ‘having sex’ they are usually referring to sexual intercourse (or penetrative sex).
As you become more sexually aware, it is natural that you will be curious about sex. You might learn about it by exploring your own body, then learn more within a relationship. As you experience and learn more, you will find what you are comfortable with, what you like, what feels right and, importantly, what feels safe.
Keep in mind that it’s possible to be sexual without having intercourse. Things like kissing, touching, rubbing and stroking are all things that feel good too. Knowing about all of these options can help you make informed choices that are best for you. Delaying or postponing having sexual intercourse may indeed be a good choice for many reasons. Working out what your decision is prior to potentially intimate situations with a partner is a good start to healthy sexual development.
Masturbation
One way people express and explore sexual feelings is through masturbation. Some people don’t masturbate at all, or not often; others more frequently.
Masturbation involves touching, stroking or rubbing one’s own genitals. Sexual pleasure is different for everyone and so is masturbation.
When someone masturbates, they become sexually excited and usually reach a peak of sexual excitement called an orgasm, or ‘coming’. At that moment, all the built-up tension and excitement is released. When a boy orgasms he ejaculates, then the penis gradually goes limp.
Masturbation may be someone’s first sexual experience. It is a matter of personal choice and so long as no one is hurt and it is done in private, masturbation is a normal and healthy practice.
Sexual feelings
When you are sexually attracted to someone and they are attracted to you, you may reach a point when you want to express this physically.
When you’re with someone you like a lot, kissing is fun. You may wonder if you’re going to know how to kiss, but usually people work it out together, and improve with practice.
You may also like holding hands and cuddling, feeling the closeness of each other’s bodies, or touching each other’s genitals. Physical attraction may lead to decisions about having sex (intercourse). The best sex usually takes place within a well-developed, trusting relationship when both people are sure and ready.
Keep the lines of communication open
Sex and love are not the same thing. It’s possible to have strong feelings of love and affection for someone and this not be at all sexual. The opposite is also true: it is possible to be physically involved with someone in a sexual way, without love being a part of it. People can be sexually involved out of curiosity, or because they think it will make them feel good, or they think it will bring them closer. It’s a mistake to have sex with someone in the belief that it will make them love you, because it won’t.
Being or feeling pressured to have sex for that or any other reason is a recipe for disappointment and hurt. Being sexually involved changes your feelings about your partner and yourself. It is important to talk about what you are doing together. Good communication means being able to share feelings about whether you are happy and comfortable with your physical involvement, or unhappy and uncomfortable. If you feel under any sort of pressure, it is important to be able to express this and to stop at any time.
Sexual intercourse
Sexual intercourse is the act of having penetrative sex and involves an erect penis entering a woman’s vagina (in the case of male-to-female intercourse), or entering a man’s anus (in the case of male-to-male intercourse). Such close and intimate physical contact is sometimes described as ‘making love’.
Decisions about sex
Is sex right for you?
Sex is not right for you if you do it just because you think everyone around you is doing it, or because you think you ‘should’. If you have sex because you are pressured, drunk, or curious, you will likely regret it later.
You may feel happier expressing your affection for someone just by kissing, cuddling and caressing. It is quite normal for couples to enjoy this kind of closeness and affection long before they are ready for intercourse.
It is good to have a strong, clear sense of what you want before you go beyond your comfort zone. When to have sex is one of the very important decisions in your life. Don’t be in a hurry to make this decision. There is nothing wrong with taking your time and saying no to things that make you feel uncomfortable or unsure. You may find it helps to talk it over with a parent or other trusted adult.
Some things to think about if you are considering having sex:
- Am I doing this because it’s what I want? If your partner is constantly pressuring you to have sex, you need to think about whether they really care for or are truly listening to you.
- The risk of a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and unplanned pregnancy. Is sex going to be safe? Have you got condoms? Do you have other forms of contraception? For information about pregnancy, refer to the next section.
Remember, life is long! The best sex will happen when both partners are equally ready.
What is safe sex?
Sex can be enjoyable and fulfilling, but does involve risks and consequences, particularly if it isn’t safe sex.
Safe sex means having sexual contact in ways that reduce the chances of becoming pregnant or contracting an STI. For example, not having sexual intercourse and only kissing, cuddling, massaging and rubbing each other’s bodies is completely safe.
Safer sex means protecting the health of both you and your partner by using a condom during intercourse. Using a condom during sex is called having ‘protected sex’. A condom is a tube of very thin rubber that covers the penis and is effective if used correctly. They can break, so it’s recommended to use a water-based lubricant to help ensure it stays intact during sex. Condoms and lubricant are readily available at supermarkets and chemists, and some sexual health clinics provide condoms for free.
The consequences of unsafe sex
- A girl can become pregnant from having unprotected sex (sex without using contraception).
- Both boys and girls can catch an STI if they have unsafe sex (sex without a condom) with a person who has an infection. Some STIs include:
Simply asking someone if they are free from infection is not enough because a person carrying an infection cannot always tell they have one. If a person has had unprotected sex it’s important they get checked for the presence of an STI by having an STI test. This is done by a doctor or at a sexual health clinic and generally involves providing a urine sample.
You can even take a free STI test on the Could I have it website (external site).
For more information about STIs visit the Get the Facts website (external site).
Safer sex really starts right at the beginning – with talking to your partner and being sure that you both are ready and want to have sex.
Keeping safe
Everyone has a right to feel safe at all times; however, there may be times where we don’t feel safe. People of any age have a right to say ‘no’, especially if they are being asked to do something or go somewhere that makes them feel uncomfortable, unsafe or scared. If you are in this situation, listen to your instincts, act if you can, and talk about it with someone. If you want to speak with someone privately you can call the Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.
For more information about sex visit the Get the Facts website (external site).
Consent
Sex and the law
In Western Australia, it is against the law to have sex – either heterosexual or homosexual – if either partner is under 16 years of age. This is the case regardless of whether both give consent.
What is consent?
When a person is involved in any sexual activity, everyone needs to provide consent. Giving consent means that they are clearly and freely agreeing to the sexual activities that are happening or are likely to happen. Consent cannot be given if someone is drunk, under the influence of drugs or asleep.
It is unlawful to force anyone to have sex against their wishes. This includes any kind of sexual touching, or looking at sexual pictures.
It is unlawful to give people alcohol or drugs to get them drunk or drugged so they can be forced to have sex.
It is always okay to say 'No' and to say 'Stop!'. People have the right to change their mind about sex even during the act and to choose not to continue even though they agreed at the start. Consent is paramount. Forcing someone to have sex or to do sexual things against their will is called sexual abuse or sexual assault. If this happens to anyone they need to tell a trusted adult.
The Sexual Assault Resource Centre can also be contacted on (08) 9340 1828.
Learn more about consent to sexual activity.